APRIL
I’ve always considered myself a strong person. That’s why in the summer of 2000, when I realized I was married to a man who was psychologically and emotionally manipulating me and controlling me, I was embarrassed and disoriented. I couldn’t believe I had let this person do this to me. I couldn’t believe this man that I loved could treat me this way. I was smart and strong and I considered myself a good person; how could I be in this situation?! And then it got worse. When I started fighting back and his controlling and manipulation were not working as well, the emotional abuse expanded to physical.
When all this started I was in school full time working towards degrees in both chemical engineering and psychology. I spent the next 4 years after the physical abuse started working full time to support myself and my husband who couldn’t keep a job while being repeatedly berated, belittled and beaten. I hid it from people. I pretended everything was great. I did everything I could to focus on my work and my school. I had a plan in the back of my head that once I got my degree I would get a job far away and I would escape. But it didn’t quite work that way.
A lot of people have asked me why I didn't "just leave". Let me tell you, it’s not that easy. Out of embarrassment and shame, I had built an image of a perfect relationship, and I had to do what I could to maintain that image. On top of that my abuser was very successful at making me feel like garbage. He also was keen to remind me, repeatedly, that if I would ever leave, he would kill me and would kill my family. The terror he instilled in me was real and powerful. It was always at the back of my mind.
Eventually though, as I continued to progress in school and was excelling in all my classes, my confidence grew. I could see life and my opportunity to escape. I knew I needed to make a plan. Slowly, I began to tell my closest friends the truth about what was going on in my personal life. Then, after one particularly bad beating, I had to go to work with a bruised and swollen face that I couldn’t hide with make-up. And with that, the perfect walls I had built around this horrible situation evaporated.
In March of 2004, I finally left him. I got a restraining order, and my best friend helped me stay hidden for a week. I did not go to work or school. Eventually, I needed money and decided I had to go work my bartending shift one Wednesday night just over a week after I got the restraining order. I got to work at 4 PM. Just after 5 PM, my abuser came to my job. I tried to hide in the kitchen area but he rushed past people in the doorways, came at me from behind and started stabbing me. I fell to the ground screaming and several of my friends and coworkers came to my aid. They jumped on him, got him off me and held him down until law enforcement arrived. He had stabbed me 9 times. They saved my life.
Eight months after the attack I graduated with a BA in Psychology and a BS and MS in Chemical Engineering. Six months after that I moved 800 miles away to start a new job. Over the last 15 years, the road to recovery has been long. My physical injuries healed quickly but the emotional damage was penetrating.
I found myself unable to trust and unable to have healthy relationships. I could not open up to people; I kept everything inside. I was often consumed by fear and would have panic attacks. Other than the brief initial counseling I received while in the hospital and shortly after, I didn’t get help. My family and friends were very supportive, but they were far away and I had to try to build new relationships. I was struggling.
Finally, 7 years into my new career, 8 years after the attack I decided I needed to get counseling. It helped tremendously and I wished I had sought help sooner. I was diagnosed with PTSD and received therapy to deal with it directly. At around the same time, I also joined a strength training gym. I had never been into any sports so this was a new experience for me but I loved it, and I was good at it!
Since my first day in that gym, I have been training and competing on a regular basis. Through my training, I have regained my sense of self and strength, and the confidence I have gained has been instrumental in helping to heal my emotional wounds. I’m so thankful for the sport and the community I have become a part of. And while I will always have the physical and emotional scars from this trauma, it no longer controls me, and I have rediscovered the strong woman I always knew I was!