Furthermore, at least in my case, I felt like I always had to walk on eggshells. I needed people to think I was perfect because I was aware that I was already “disposable” to one set of parents, and what would keep this family from getting rid of me, too? I felt like I was a mistake who brought sadness and destruction with me when I entered this world. For most of my life, I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere, and even though I acted happy and was always a bit of a class clown, I walked around with this indescribable hole inside of me.

I have a tendency to act like everything is fine and move ahead without addressing issues. I can’t recall the number of times I broke down crying that month, and in front of people, which isn’t like me. I bawled my eyes out sitting in the passenger seat of my best friend’s car. I felt bad because I knew she had no clue how to help or what to say. So few people know what to say or do for a woman losing her baby. I found what I needed most was just to be heard. I had anger and sadness and bitterness that needed let out. I was trying to grieve someone I hadn’t even gotten to meet, and the hormonal drop definitely did not help.

I have always been artistic, but my family and friends were the only ones who saw my art.

I liked being hidden. 

But maybe there was something I could do to show people kindness.  It did not have to be something big. It could be something small. It could be something I could make and give to people. 

I became a contradiction. I was tearful and angry. I had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. My friends started to ask about the changes in my weight. I was sick more frequently. My trust in others fell flat. I became paranoid. I felt judged. I was on my own...my back was up against the wall in my small little apartment.

So there I stood, propped up against the cooler that held the kids frozen dinners, staring at the paper towel selection, sobbing because I knew I needed to buy my groceries but I knew I couldn’t stand in line to check out. My anxiety wouldn’t dare allow it.