ANGIE

You get what you ask for.

I firmly believe this.

On January 9, 2016, I was attending a Personal Mastery seminar where we were to declare our intention for the next 90 days. I said loud and proud that within 90 days I would leave my part-time job to be a full-time photographer! I said it with zest, feeling, and intention.

That brings us to my story.

On April 10, 2016, I was driving home from a session at my studio in Edgewood, WA when I was rear-ended by a man going (what officers estimated) over 100mph.

I remember seeing the headlights drilling toward me at the speed of light.

I remember exhaling and acknowledging that I was going to die.

I remember the impact.

I remember spinning so fast that the centrifugal force caused items close by to appear to “float”.

I remember trying to figure out if I was rolling down a hill or spinning upright.

I remember thinking it was amusing that I would die the way McDreamy did in Grey’s Anatomy (sorry if that’s a spoiler, if it is, catch up!).

I remember being calm in that moment.

I remember the cables on the guard rail coming at me at lightning speed and wondering if I would be decapitated.

I remember wondering how in the hell I was alive. I remember hearing screeching of brakes (others trying to avoid hitting me).

I remember a man at my window shouting to ask if I was OK. (I found out later that he was the one who hit me. This was ironically the only time I’ve seen his face.)

I remember bracing for impact as I knew I was just sitting in the middle of the freeway.

The next few minutes play in my mind like a fast motion reel. The lady from Panera who talked to me to calm me down, the man who was an off duty paramedic assessing me from the window. The fear that I couldn’t get out of the car because it was so mangled. The realization that ALL of my camera gear had been in the trunk and oh my gosh, the session I had just done… where was my camera?

Worst of all, I remember the look on my husband’s face when he ran into the ER to find me. That… I will never forget… I wish I could forget. I wish that I could stop flinching 3 ½ years later. I wish I didn’t live with weekly anxiety attacks because of this accident. I wish I could walk like a normal human. Of course, I am grateful that I am alive, much less able to walk (I couldn’t for a while). I am grateful that I have a community of family and friends who went so far above and beyond that I still can’t reconcile how to thank them. I am grateful that I didn’t leave my husband a widower and my family with a tragic loss that would be horrific. Of course, I’m grateful.

But I’m also super pissed.

I’m angry that years later I still hurt every single day. I am bitter that he had no consequences. I am furious that he doesn’t even know how badly he fucked up my life. I am exhausted trying to deal with the constant “Charlie horse” in my hip. I am so over this. I hate seeing in my husband’s eyes how much he wants to make it better.

I cry. Still. I cry.

Acknowledging that this is just my reality now FULLY SUCKS. You know what butters my toast? The day after the accident he made a joke on Facebook about drunk driving… don’t judge me for cyberstalking him… I earned that right. He literally is just going on about his life – totally unaware that he wrecked not only my car, but a piece of me.

So many emotions, right?

Now we hit the gratitude I feel--that even though I went through this, it could have been SO much worse. The drive I have to keep going. To not give up. To push through the pain. To just… keep… swimming. This journey has had a lot of turns and bumps and tantrums (sorry, Jeff).

It’s not fair. I know that.

However, I have come through it. Most people don’t even know I’m injured. They give a quizzical look when it takes me a minute to stand up or start walking. I walk though. I stand. I get up and go because that’s what you do.

I’ve learned I have a lot more grit than I thought I did. I get that people are trying to help, but it’s hard to smile through someone telling me how their product is going to make me feel “all better”. I know they are a business and doing their thing, but it’s frustrating because it never does work or help. So please don’t read this as me “needing fixing”.

Ultimately it’s the worst thing I’ve been through. But I have learned so much about myself, my husband, my loved ones and my capabilities. I am somehow grateful for that. To every friend who gave me a ride, brought me dinner, let me cry, left me alone, talked me down, listened, brought me flowers, made me laugh, waited for me to catch up, calmed me down – I am grateful. To the photographers who so selflessly took over my shoots for no pay to help me through this at the time – I am speechless. When I declared my intention, this is obviously not what I meant.

On day 91 this happened.

I don’t think this was God’s clever plan to make me watch what I asked for. It did, however, force my hand to quit both of my part-time jobs. I am thriving in my business because I was forced to take that leap of faith.